


take my sweater

by Emmeline_Arden



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Don’t copy to another site, Drinking, Fluff, For now though, Howard Stark sucks, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Self-Harm, Starks are Made of Iron, Therapy, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, and, and tony needs help, hopefully fluff someday, seriously, soulmates are real fun when you can only feel each other's pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-05-28 09:13:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19391044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmeline_Arden/pseuds/Emmeline_Arden
Summary: Tony was always cold. He wore long-sleeved, too-big sweatshirts when he could get away with it, because he could cover his hands and hide his bruises and scars beneath the soft fabric, and his suits for Howard’s social events were fur-lined, so he wouldn’t start shaking with chills in the middle of a party. That would be showing weakness, and weaknesses were forbidden.He couldn’t sleep. He tried, but he woke up from nightmares of drowning, or sometimes falling from high in the sky, and he always woke up chilled to the bone. He couldn’t sleep, but Starks are made of iron, so he applied makeup liberally and pushed through the exhaustion.No matter what he does, he can’t feel anything from his soulmate but a deep, crushing pain in his ribs that didn’t leave with his own pain, and a cold that no blanket can ever warm.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So, in case you're confused, in this AU soulmates can feel each other's pain. Howard made Tony take drugs that stopped him from feeling any of his own pain, but he can still feel his soulmates pain.
> 
> This might get pretty dark, but I promise it'll get better! I'm going to try to update every Friday, and I have a few chapters pre-written, so hopefully, that will work out!
> 
> The title is from The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson, and this fic was inspired by this tumblr post.
> 
> Thanks so so so much for reading!

Starks are made of iron. He knew that because it had been hammered into him from the day he was old enough to babble incomprehensible things at his parents. Howard had taken every moment to remind him to never cry, never show pain, never show fear, because Starks are made of iron.

Starks are made of iron, and when Tony cried from the crushing, cold weight he felt from his soulmate when he was seven, Howard backhanded him and said just that.

Starks are made of iron, and when Tony asked his mother why she stayed far away from Howard, she replied, “Because he is made of iron, and that means his heart is cold and stiff, unable to love.”

Starks are made of iron, and when Howard ordered the family doctor to prescribe Tony pills to shut off the pain, forever, that was the excuse he made.

Starks are made of iron, and when Tony came home, dead-eyed and silent, after a few older boys had beaten him in an alley behind his school, Howard reminded him that no weakness could be shown, not ever.

When Tony, just fifteen and terrified, said two simple words to Howard and let a single tear fall, he was quickly beaten into silence and informed that love was a weakness, no matter who it was for, and Starks are made of iron.

Tony was always cold. He wore long-sleeved, too-big sweatshirts when he could get away with it, because he could cover his hands and hide his bruises and scars beneath the soft fabric, and his suits for Howard’s social events were fur-lined, so he wouldn’t start shaking with chills in the middle of a party. That would be showing weakness, and weaknesses were forbidden.

He couldn’t sleep. He tried, but he woke up from nightmares of drowning, or sometimes falling from high in the sky, and he always woke up chilled to the bone. He couldn’t sleep, but Starks are made of iron, so he applied makeup liberally and pushed through the exhaustion.

No matter what he does, he can’t feel anything from his soulmate but a deep, crushing pain in his ribs that didn’t leave with his own pain, and a cold that no blanket can ever warm.

He keeps taking the pills, and he adds his own to the mix. Anything to numb the pain, because his soulmate seems to be in so much pain already. He can’t bear to add to it. Besides, Starks are made of iron, and somehow being too high to understand it makes the pain easier to hide.

He goes to MIT for college, and it might be the only thing that has ever made his father proud of him, but he is only fifteen, and he is so cold.

Then he meets Rhodey, and the cold doesn’t stop, but it is easier to bear somehow. Tony is an asshole, but Rhodey drags him out of the labs when he hasn’t slept, and brings him food when he hasn’t eaten, and he buys him a heated blanket when he sees how Tony shivers when he thinks no one is looking.

He sees how sad Tony is, underneath the iron, and one day he finds Tony’s stash, and he throws it all out. He confronts Tony, and Tony nearly sobs, but Starks are made of iron, and he _can’t_. But Rhodey understands, and he hugs Tony, and when Tony cries himself to sleep on Rhodey’s chest, he doesn’t say a word, just grabs an extra blanket so Tony isn’t quite so cold.

It becomes a regular thing, Tony and Rhodey sleeping together. No sex, just huddling for warmth, and even on nights that the heat is nearly unbearable for Rhodey anyway, he just hugs Tony tighter, and they both wait for the day Tony’s soulmate isn’t cold anymore.

There isn’t a moment Tony isn’t thinking about his soulmate. The constant cold and crushing weight on him, pressing in from all sides, serve as a constant reminder of the pain and sorrow his soulmate must feel. When it gets particularly bad, he clings to Rhodey and wraps himself in every blanket he owns.

It gets worse when they graduate, because Tony is only seventeen, and he’s alone again, because Rhodey joined the Air Force and he’s been sent abroad, and he’s back at home with Howard, and Starks are made of iron.

He’s twenty-one, and he’s giving his parents’ eulogy, standing stiff and strong, like a Stark, but he doesn’t know what to do and his mom is gonegonegone and he is alone and he’s so cold and there’s a weight on his chest and he can’t _breathe_ he can’t think and he feels like dying but then, Rhodey comes back and he’s not alone.

When he spends the night sobbing into Rhodey’s shoulder, wishing that the pills could numb all the pain, not just the physical, Rhodey can’t think of anything to say at all, so he settles for holding Tony tighter.

It’s easier to bear for a while, but then Rhodey leaves for the Air Force, and Tony has to take over Stark Industries and he is so _afraid_ , but Starks are made of iron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Drop a comment (they're my food) and tell me what you think, what you liked, what you didn't like, any mistakes, or just plain old screaming. If you have a tumblr, my user is queenslytherclaw, and y'all are totally welcome to drop me an ask or PM me. Thanks so much for reading!!  
> XO,  
> Emmeline


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angst and sadness and ugggghhh i can't with this chapter at all.
> 
> smh i love this chap but i also hate it.
> 
> this is the part (lol there's gonna be more) where i rip tony apart and then make him get slightly better :)
> 
> don't kill me this is not very good and also read the notes i'm a sassy bitch when i'm tired and my laptop is dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~this chapter is up because i have no self control~~
> 
> i know i said this would be up on friday, but i couldn't resist. that might mean a longer wait for later chapters, so i'm sorry. it's also kinda short but i don't really do long chaps ever.
> 
> yeah so i'm kinda going to be really extremely very mean to tony but it _will_ get better i promise.
> 
> and my roommate/beta says i should be sorry.
> 
> sorry.
> 
> lol no everyone loves it when writers rip characters apart so they can build them again out of the broken fragments of their soul and splintered parts of the people they love XD.
> 
> seriously tho i love y'all sm thank you for reading. ~~not~~ sorry

Tony is only twenty-one, and he’s so very cold, and the press already has it out for him, so he keeps his iron mask on and pretends to be a playboy, pretends to just be a dumb kid, and he tries so hard to feel. He tries so hard to be strong, to keep going, but it’s so hard. Some days he doesn’t know if he’ll live to see the next, and others, well, he wishes he could still feel pain.

He’s only twenty-one, and he’s all alone, yet heading up one of the most profitable companies on the planet. The company grows every day, and when he hires Obadiah Stane, the profits only increase with the weapon productions. Tony doesn’t much like the weapons and who they’re sold to, but he’s far too gone to care by that point. He’s too cold and he’s too hopeless and the world is too full of grey for him to care about the company.

He’s only twenty-one, but he started drinking at twelve when his father told him, “Drink that scotch, it’ll make you a man,” and he just wanted Howard to be proud of him. Now that his mother and Howard are gone, he’s become a full-blown alcoholic, and he’s spiraling faster than he knew life could go.

He’s only twenty-one, but there are scars on his arms and on his thighs and so many more over his ribs, because that’s the coldest part, that’s where the crushing weight tends to settle, but _he can’t feel it_ , he can’t feel any of it, and he wakes up screaming, alone, from nightmares that feel so _strange_ and yet familiar and terrifying at the same time. When he comes to his senses, he prays to every god he doesn’t believe in that his soulmate can’t feel the pain from the cuts littering his body, and he cries even though _Starks are made of iron_.

It’s only a year after his parents’ death when he gets the call. Jarvis is dead, and now Tony has nothing, but he’s too numb even to grieve.

He’s twenty-six when Rhodey comes back, not for a short visit this time, but for a long stay. It takes Rhodey all of two weeks to notice something amiss, _just two weeks_. Tony emerges from his workshop one day to find Rhodey waiting outside, and he’s been up for three days straight, and he has fresh cuts, and there are five empty bottles of vodka on the floor, shattered, and he doesn’t remember how to live anymore. He’s expecting a lecture, or perhaps a shouting match, but Rhodey does the same thing he did the first time Tony spiraled; he hugs him.

He’s twenty-six when he falls apart in his best friend’s arms, bleeding and drunk and delirious, and he’s out of it, but he remembers flashes of being carried to his room, and he remembers clinging to Rhodey’s shirt and sobbing for the third time in his life, and he wishes he wasn’t so broken. He wishes he wasn’t cold and he wishes he wasn’t depressed and he wishes his mother was still alive, but above all he is so glad to have Rhodey, because, really, Rhodey is all he has. Rhodey cleans him up, bandages his cuts, and piles an extra blanket on top of him. Tony falls asleep still clinging to him.

He’s twenty-six when Rhodey talks him into therapy, and he is prescribed meds, and he takes the meds, and he goes to therapy, and he goes to rehab, and he heals, a bit at a time. He’s still cold, nothing can fix that, and the crushing weight he feels from his soulmate is always there, but the weight from his mind eases slowly, and he is okay. He is alive.

He’s thirty when he meets Virginia Potts, and she is the most competent, most beautiful person he has ever met, and he wishes he was worthy of her. He hires her immediately. He nicknames her “Pepper,” and she hates it, and they get along just fine, but she’s already met her soulmate, and besides, she hasn’t been cold a day in her life, she runs hot.

He’s thirty-two when he switches Stark Tower from the power grid to the Arc Reactor, and stock prices shoot up as soon as it is confirmed a success. He’s thirty-two when he builds JARVIS, and he explains the name away as Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, but the AI speaks with Edwin Jarvis’ voice. Tony doesn’t cry, because Starks are made of iron, but he wants to. Instead, he throws himself into teaching JARVIS everything he could possibly learn. 

He’s thirty-two when he asks JARVIS to immediately alert Rhodey, and if not him, then Pepper, if Tony falls back into his . . . old habits. He hasn’t trusted himself in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uugggghhh i'm really not happy with it but maybe you'll like it?????????????
> 
> tell me what's wrong with it so i can fix it pleassseeeee
> 
> also the ages/timeline might be fucked up but i tried to calculate based on his actual birthday and dates from the mcu. and there is ZERO information on JARVIS's creation date so i made shit up to suit the story
> 
> love y'all so much thank you so fuckin much for reading!!!!!  
> XO,  
> Emmeline


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> um this is the beginning of Afghanistan and the accompanying shit???? idek it's a thing, so enjoy

Tony is getting better. He is. He hasn’t drunk, hasn’t cut in almost ten years, and he’s doing just fine. He’s thirty-six, and he’s been working on a new missile design for the company. He still hates the weapons, hates selling them to people he _knows_ are bad, but Obie convinces him it’s for the best. Obie always seems to know when Tony is getting too skeptical of the buyers, and he is always there to step in at the right moment and convince Tony that what they’re doing is _right_ , it’s to _protect the country, you want that, Tony, right?_

And he doesn’t quite believe Obie, but he does it anyway. He keeps making weapons, each one deadlier than the last, and this one is no exception. He’s thinking about calling it the _Jericho_. He can’t quite get the mechanics right, but he’ll get there.

Tony is thirty-eight, and the _Jericho_ is perfect, the best weapon he’s ever designed. It should be his baby, his pride and joy, but Obie refuses to tell him who they’re going to sell it to. He knows that they’re going to show it off to the buyers in Afghanistan, but nothing about who they are or why _the fuck_ they need _a fucking missile_.

Tony is thirty-eight, and he’s just finished giving what might have been the most dramatic presentation of his life. He told Rhodey _go away, this is the party-vee_. He’s taking a selfie with the soldiers when it all goes to hell, and there’s an explosion nearby. He’s pushed down and told to stay put, but he is a Stark, and Starks are made of iron.

Starks are made of iron, and maybe that’s why he doesn’t flinch when the window nearest him explodes in a spray of glass and fire. He jumps out of the Humvee, and he runs for cover, really just a couple of rocks. He’s not scared, not really, it won’t hurt if he gets shot, it won’t even hurt if he dies. He dives for a rifle, but has to drop it immediately. It’s scorching hot. He is leaning back against the rocks when he hears a dull _ping_ , and he turns his head, quickly enough to see _Stark_ written on the thing and think _oh shit_ , before it blows up.

Starks are made of iron, and he can’t feel the damage from the explosion, but it has to be there, his body armor wasn’t built to withstand that kind of a hit. He can’t feel the damage, but he can see it now, blood is staining his shirt, spreading over his chest, and he can’t feel it and _fucking hell what if his soulmate can feel it_ and he’s so cold and he can’t see anymore-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you liked it! if anyone wants to pm me on tumblr or follow or whatever, my user is @queenslytherclaw
> 
> i live on kudos and comments!!! <3  
> XOXO,  
> Emmeline


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the whole fuckin afghanistan shitstorm and obie is a suspicious motherfucker + the rhodey saving tony thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okie so this bitch fought me sry if I glossed over too much it was either going to be five paragraphs or three chapters (which i was NOT prepared for)

He comes to in bursts of awareness, and the first fucking time he wakes up, someone is carving into his chest with a bloody _kitchen knife, what the fuck_ , but he’s back under again.

The next time he’s aware, someone is _sticking wires into his chest_ and he is so fucking glad he can’t feel anything because he’s almost certain there is no anesthetic within a hundred miles, and open-heart surgery was never an experience he wanted in the first place. He can’t feel the pain, but watching a hand disappear into his chest, _holding an electromagnet_ , is almost worse than actually feeling it. He doesn’t have time to dwell on it, but he has enough time to steel himself and think _Starks are made of iron_ and he’s under.

He dreams of his mother, and she’s glowing, and he _misses her_ and it _hurts_. She reaches out to him, smiling, but then her neck twists and bends and snaps, and there’s so much blood but she’s _still smiling, oh god no_ , and then she morphs into Howard, towering above him. He is a child again, and Howard slaps him and says, menacingly, “Starks do not cry. We are made of iron, and we do not feel pain,” but that feels _so wrong_. He is so scared, and _Howard is dead_. He isn’t even real, but Tony still fears him and he’s almost glad that he’s dead. He blinks and Howard disappears, replaced by the man with the knife, and _oh god_ there’s a hole in his chest, there’s a _fucking car battery_ connected to a magnet in his chest, why is there a magnet.

He gasps, and he’s breathing, he’s alive, but he’s stuck in a fucking cave in Afghanistan and he doesn’t know how to get out. He’s only thirty-eight, but it must be at least the fiftieth kidnapping he’s experienced. Only, this time, they want his brain, not his money, and they won’t willingly release him. They ask him to build the _Jericho_ for them and he refuses, of course he refuses, but he has to give in because they _drown_ him, over and over again and he’s already _so fucking cold_. 

He asks his capturers, through Yinsen, for a ridiculous amount of materials, and then, on top of that, a washing machine. He thinks they might actually drown him for that one, but they still need him. Before he can start on anything else, he figures out a way to build a generator into his chest. He miniaturizes the Arc Reactor that powers his tower and great, now he’s got a fucking night-light.

Tony knows he can’t actually build the _Jericho_ for the Ten Rings, but he can pretend to. He starts work on a new software for a certain suit, and Yinsen helps him to build the body of the Iron Man armor, Mark I. He’s so proud of it when it’s done, even though it’s just a rough-hewn suit of armor with basic flight capabilities. He’s so proud of it, and it’s going to get him out, he’s going to live, he’s going back to his friends and maybe someday he’ll finally find his soulmate and they’ll both be warm together. 

He finishes the suit, and Yinsen helps him into it, and the software is downloading, but the Ten Rings finally notices the lack of missile-building going on, and they’re pounding on the doors. Tony and Yinsen barricaded the entrance and set an explosive to go off when the doors finally open, but there’s not enough time. The suit won’t be up and running before the men break in and kill them both. The doors crash open, and there’s an explosion, and there are screams, and Yinsen’s running. He’s running and picking up a gun and shooting.

Tony’s only thirty-eight but he knows with crushing certainty that someone else is dead because of him, and _oh_ it stings. Another fucking person dead, and it’s his fault. No, he isn’t dead yet, Yinsen is still fighting, but he’ll never make it past an entire terrorist organization armed with only one rifle.

The software finally finishes downloading, and Tony steps out into the corridor, going as fast as he can in hopes of saving Yinsen. Tony finds him, and Yinsen is still alive, but he’s dying fast. “Don’t waste your life,” he says, and Tony is so sorry, he’s so sorry that he’s taken a man from his family, but Yinsen says, “I am going to them now,” and _oh_. They’re dead. Of course. And he’s leaving, he’s blasting his way out of that bloody cave, and he’s in the air and it explodes as he’s flying up and away, and then suddenly he’s falling.

He’s falling, and he’s never fallen from this far up, but fear and nightmares he only half remembers are tugging at him and he half remembers a terrifying plunge into _cold_ from long ago that only comes to him in dreams. He’s scared and he’s cold, and then he crashes and _thank god_ he can’t feel any pain because he’s sure it’s bad and _please please don’t let my soulmate feel this_. He’s flat on his back and he rips off the suit piece by piece and he’s crying because he’s _out of the cave_.

Of course, he is in the desert, and his relief lasts about a minute before he remembers that there’s no water and he’ll be dead soon if no one finds him first. He’s sure Rhodey is looking for him, and he does his best to shade himself and conserve water long enough for Rhodey to find him. He stumbles aimlessly around the desert until finally he sees a helicopter heading straight for him and he falls to his knees, _he’s going to live_. Rhodey grabs him, and he buries his head in Rhodey’s chest, and Rhodey says, “Next time, you ride with me,” and he laughs, because _of course_ he is.

He sleeps all the way home, and when he wakes up screaming on the jet, Rhodey is right there to hold him and calm him down. Pepper tries to get him to go to the hospital, but he really fucking wants a cheeseburger, and of course he needs to do a press conference. He refuses to be responsible for any more innocent deaths, no, he wants to do his best to save as many people as he possibly can with his newest invention.

He’s thirty-eight, and standing in front of far too many reporters, he announces that Stark Industries will never sell another weapon, and it’s _his_ company, but he thinks Obie might just kill him for stopping weapons productions. He wants to continue the press conference, but Obie is sweeping him away to have an “internal discussion,” which he is _sure_ means that Obie is going to try and take over the company while Tony recovers. He, obviously, won’t let that happen.

Obie tells him that there is no way they can stop weapons production, that there’s nothing else the company would do, and when Tony suggests working on the Arc Reactor and shows Obie the miniature he made in the cave, Obie is transfixed. He tells Tony that he’ll handle this, just don’t talk to the press, and, for some reason, Tony agrees. Maybe it’s because he is so very tired, but he agrees even though a few moments ago he was certain he would never let Obie take control, not even for a second, not if he would start producing weapons again. And really, he hadn’t even agreed not to produce weapons, he had just said that he would handle it. _Shit._

He can’t do anything to protect his new company, though, because this heart that he has now won’t last all that long before he has to rebuild it, and he just wants to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop a comment and tell me how you feel I swear this chapter wouldn't have gotten done if I hadn't been able to go back and read through the sweet things y'all said  
> XOXO,  
> Emmeline


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony is back and obie sucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not really happy with this but whatever i need to update it and i just wanna get to steveeee
> 
> hope you like it XO

He nearly cries when he hears JARVIS’s voice for the first time in months, but he doesn’t, instead immediately starting work on a better, more efficient electromagnet and housing. He designs something perfect, and he hopes it won’t ever fail him, because he _might_ have traumatized Pepper, maybe just a little bit. She takes his old chest piece with her, and he has _no_ idea what she wants with _that_. 

He starts work on Mark II of the Iron Man armor, and it’s _so much better_ than before, even if he crashes into the ceiling a couple times. He’s completely focused on building it for a while, and Pepper’s gift of his old Arc Reactor with “PROOF THAT TONY STARK HAS A HEART” engraved on it brings him out of his engineering spree a little, but his conversation with Obadiah rips him right out of his little bubble.

The board filed an injunction. They’re trying to take the company away, and Obie tells him that he’s going to protect Tony, that he’ll do his best, and Tony is just so scared to lose the company and have it go right back to making weapons again. Obie tells him to finish his design for the new and improved Arc Reactor as soon as possible, and he will, but he has to finish the suit, he has to take it out for a flight.

He can’t control his suit at first, and he crashes into one of his _extremely expensive_ cars. JARVIS tries to tell him that it isn’t safe, there are still tests to do, but he just wants to fly in the open air, and when he’s flying upupup to the moon, he’s not as cold and he never wants to stop. He doesn’t stop, not even when ice forms over his helmet, obscuring his vision and making him shiver even more than usual, and all the fancy red warning lights start blinking brightly in his face. He doesn’t stop, not until the suit itself does, not until it shuts down and starts plummeting back to earth, and he’s coming back to himself now, he’s _falling_. He tries to get it back online, but he’s falling and falling and _oh god_ but then the suit blinks back on and JARVIS’s voice returns to his ear. His fall slows, and then he’s parallel to the ground again and _thank god_ he’s not going to die, not today. 

He flies up to the Tower, and he doesn’t want to but he has to land immediately. JARVIS reminds him that the suit runs off of his battery, and if it loses power, the shrapnel he can’t even feel will make its way to his heart and he will die. Cheery. He tries to make a soft landing on the roof, but he crashes through the roof, through his living room, and onto _another_ of his extremely expensive cars. Whatever, he can afford any number of them.

He and JARVIS change the specs for the suit, and he adds a bit of hot-rod red to the Mark III. He would have kept working on the suit, but the TV distracts him, and he watches the red carpet at one of his own events. Which he was not invited to. The reporter was talking about Tony, and his absence since Afghanistan. He looked back to JARVIS, who informed him that the Mark III wouldn’t be ready until morning. _Wonderful_.

Obie was most certainly not expecting him at the gala. He tells Tony to lay low, again, but Tony waves him off. He dances with Pepper, and they talk a bit, but then a reporter - what was her name? Christine? they had a one night stand at some point - comes up to him and confronts him with pictures of _his_ weapons in the hands of the Ten Rings. _Obie_. He goes out to the red carpet, and Obie decides it’s the _perfect_ time to finally tell Tony just who is filing an injunction against him. Fucking Obie himself. Tony really should have worn a lined suit, because he’s so cold and he thought Obie was going to protect him, but he’s yelling in Obie’s face, and then Obie just runs away like a goddamn coward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment and tell me what you think!! i love y'all you're seriously the best readers
> 
> XOXO,  
> Emmeline


End file.
